Does Love Really Exist?

Lately I’ve been sitting with a question that unsettles me: does love actually exist?

According to bell hooks in All About Love, very few of us have truly been loved correctly. When I look at my own life and the lives of those closest to me, that rings painfully true. What we’ve often called “love” has looked more like neglect, abuse, shrinking ourselves small, being ignored, or never really having our needs met.

So I find myself wondering: is what we call “love” just an illusion we cling to so we don’t feel alone?

Survival Mode and the Illusion of Love

For as long as I can remember, I’ve lived in survival mode. Always bracing for the next bill, the next disappointment, the next thing to go wrong. That constant state of hypervigilance makes it hard to feel safe in my own body, let alone in the arms of another.

And yet, I’ve found myself giving and giving—overextending to men and friends who wanted my body or my energy only when it was convenient for them. If you know survival mode, you know good moods come and go like quick storms. The foundation was never there, so connection always felt fleeting.

It makes me wonder: do people in love simply numb themselves, chop off parts of who they are, and compromise just enough to keep from dying alone? Or are there people who truly do the work—who meet their shadows, embrace vulnerability, and grow together despite the challenges?

The Only Love I Know

The one form of love I can say I’ve truly experienced is the love I’ve been learning to give myself. That love feels new, fragile, and sometimes fleeting, but it’s real. It’s a muscle I’m exercising every day—through boundaries, healing, and refusing to shrink.

But I worry: will it last? Or will I revert back to my old self-loathing? Trying is exhausting, but so is doing nothing.

My Vision Beyond Survival

Even in my questioning, I’ve started to see a clearer vision of the life I want. A life where my legal and analytical skills meet my creativity and love of words. Consulting for nonprofits, working on small to midsize projects, even contributing to intergovernmental work. Projects that shift every few months to a year, work that pays well and offers travel or remote flexibility.

I imagine myself well-traveled, well-spoken, well-educated, and well-paid. I imagine a life that gives me freedom to write, to explore, and to create communities that are better for my being here.

So, What’s Love Really?

Maybe love isn’t about whether it exists “out there” in some grand, perfect form. Maybe the real question is whether I can create a life so full of meaning, safety, and expansion that love—if it’s real—will find me there.

Until then, the love I know is my own. And maybe that’s where it all begins.