For My Dad's Heart

I’ve been struggling to communicate my needs with the people I care about most, especially with those I truly need right now.

I want to tell my dad that I need him more emotionally, especially now. But I’m afraid he won’t be able to show up for me in the way I want and need, and that fear has kept me from expressing these thoughts to him. I find myself accepting the role he’s always played—being a provider, sharing a few laughs, keeping things light. My dad has never been the emotional type; he’s faced so much loss and trauma in his 62 years, yet I’ve never seen him skip a beat or shed a tear. I know some people believe a man should “suck it up” and focus on taking care of business, but that approach comes at a cost. While he suffers internally, the people closest to him suffer too.

When I was a sophomore at Spelman, my dad suffered numerous mini-strokes, all stemming from stress and untreated hypertension. He was suffering in silence, letting his pain fester. It seemed like his health was slipping away, and for a moment, I thought I might need to leave school to take care of him. My mom stepped up, caring for him despite their separation, and my nana did too. I did what I could from afar, but I felt torn. Now, he’s the only parent I have left, and though his health isn’t perfect, he’s in a much better place. I’m grateful for that, but I’m also hesitant to share my pain with him, knowing it might weigh on him too heavily.

I’ve noticed that I do this in other relationships, especially with men. I care so deeply about their needs that I often keep my own buried. I might share small needs to test the waters, but if I don’t get the response I hope for, I tend to shut down. I know I need to work on patience and compromise, but sometimes when things don’t go as I’ve pictured in my head, I withdraw. It’s affecting my relationships and my own well-being.

I need to tell my dad how I feel. I need him to know I need his listening ear, his presence, his love expressed in a way I can feel. I want him to live fully, to be close to me—not just physically, but emotionally too. I want him to know that his validation would help me heal.

Maybe once I do this, I’ll reach a breakthrough. Maybe my heart will finally be open to real, true love—love that doesn’t come with so much pain and regret.