Letter to My Mother

Dear Ma,

I wish you had shared

more of your truth,

more of your pain than your anger.

I wish you had truly let me in—

so, I could understand you

as a girl,

as a woman,

as a human.

I’m sorry for the things

I may have done

that triggered you without knowing.

I didn’t understand

how deeply you suffered

until you were gone.

I always knew your value.

I saw you as omnipotent.

Before you left,

I told you; you were my Earth angel.

I meant it.

There is something about a mother

and a child

that makes us deeply interconnected.

I pray God gives me

the gift of motherhood.

And if not,

I am honored to be your daughter.

I am honored

that you chose me

and I chose you

in this world of possibilities.

I think of you—

not with sadness,

but with great gratitude.

Because grief

is truly a privilege.

I am human.

No matter how hard I try

to outrun my humanity,

I feel it deeply.

I get angry,

but when the storm calms

I think of you as human too.

I think of you as me,

and me as you.

I’m sorry for any pain

I caused you.

I wish I could have taken

all your pain,

held your heart in my hands,

and handed it back to you clean—

free of the illnesses

and poisons of this world.

You will forever live through me.

I will embody your spirit.

I will embody your protectiveness.

Thank you for seeing

my sacredness,

my purity,

my genuineness.

Thank you for doing

the best you could

with all that you had.

I love you with all of my being.

You are now my angel in Heaven.

Always,

Your Booder